Rat-ification

Imagine, once again, my surprise when I found five human-sized rats, tails casually looped over their arms, contentedly drinking cider while sitting on the platform waiting for the 0903 to London this morning.

They scampered ahead of me through the barrier in London and I saw they were met by a beaming Scooby-Doo, clutching a can of Carlsberg.

Is fancy dress a new craze in the UK?

Habemus papem

Imagine my surprise when I got on the bus today to discover the driver dressed in full papal regalia, including zucchetto (had to look that one up).

Came over all English and pointedly ignored his get-up and carried on as normal as, reassuringly, did everyone who got on after me until the poor pontiff/bus driver was forced to cry out in exasperation "It's for charity!".

People you always see #1

Binmen wearing Santa hats.

Skype Hype

Piggy: Can you see me yet?
Me: Not quite. You have a point d'interrogation (question mark) for a head.
Piggy: Oh, that's ME, definitely.

Penguin Decay

Me(muttering to self in library while searching IMMENSE catalogue):..ok, here goes..author is Miller, D...bounded citizenship....(uses one finger on keyboard)
Search result: "First measurement of the rate for the inclusive radiative penguin decay b~sy...an Aavor-changing neutral current process described by a penguin diagram in which virtual W is exchanged in a loop with a top quark......"
Me(recoiling in horror): Oh God, oh God...don't think that is the right Miller(peers again at screen)at least, I hope it's not..is that even in English?

Cleavage management

Very brainy person "...to quote Lijphart, Rogowski and Weaver from 1993, empirical studies have shown that there is a strong correlation between the needs of cleavage management in plural societies and the number and importance of non-majoritarian features in their political systems."

Me(worn out after four hours in library and a two hour seminar): I find a good bra works wonders.

Train of thought

(Conversation overheard on 1743 outward journey from London Marylebone to Oxford, a genteel, middle-class service)

"So, tell me, what is your interest in mushrooms?"

(Conversation overheard on 0800 return journey from Birmingham to London Euston, a no-nonsense high speed beast)

"I have had potato waffles, beans and sausages for breakfast every day this week."

Lost property

Me(excited yipping): I found my phone! I found it!
Evil, evil relative: Where was it? Down your cleavage?

Show me your papers

Me(squinting while counting out money on Post Office counter): You might want to check that, I am sure there are euros mixed up in it.
Post Office Lady(loudly and slowly): Don't worry, love, you'll soon get used to the money over here.

Je me suis fait tapee par un THON

Imagine my surprise when I opened my mouth at the fish counter in Tesco to ask for two tuna steaks...and FRENCH came out.

Making the breast of it

In the interests of harmonious social relations, I have avoided posting the numerous ignorant, insensitive and the (thankfully rare) downright malicious questions, comments and observations following the accident two years ago. But as life moves onwards and upwards, here is my all-time favourite for your enjoyment:

(Three days after my return from 7 months of sick leave that included a week in a coma, paralysis, two months in a neurological rehabilitation unit and severe post-traumatic shock)

Female person (scowling): You`ve lost WEIGHT...(grips my upper arm painfully and leans in to hiss resentfully in my ear)..but you haven`t lost your BREASTS!!!!


ps I would like to point out that the supportive, understanding and humane reactions I have had far outweighed the horrible ones. You should all be very proud of yourselves. Big kiss.

Four-letter word

(personal email from institute of higher education)

.....and your intranet password is:    *** SHaG

Bog Standard

Me (coming out of toilet cubicle in Carrefour): Oh God, they have put URINALS in the WOMENS` loo here, urgh, this country can be so uncivilised sometimes (goes to wash hands) urgh urgh water and soggy paper towels everywhere and NO SOAP LEFT for god`s sake...(realisation slowly dawns)..oh god..oh god...I think I am in the wrong toilets.......and I SAT DOWN as well...(scuttles out sharpish)

What did you say?

Piggy: ...so put zat on your pipe and smoke eet!
Me: Have you been downloading Downton Abbey again?

I love you.....me neither.

Suave Frenchy (driving):...so, in fact, it is the capitalist societies like yours that encourage divorce...because they want people to live seperately so that there are more households and so people need to buy twice as much.
Me (clinging on): Well, that is one way of looking at it.
SF: Anyway, I am too much of a loner to ever live with anyone again. It makes me...FERK!!!!! ZE RUGBY! SHEET! MERDE! (fiddles with radio, swerves) Ees la France against Canada! Be quiet!

Lets be Franco

Spaniard (fag on, shouting in my ear as he cranes over his shoulder, trying to reverse park): and THEN, these bloody Indignant b******s, you know what they did? They p****d on the altar and aggressed the people who came to see the Pope! And THEY are always talking about THEIR bloody human rights! F*****g B******S! I HATE them.
Me(timidly): You know, I think this might be a disabled space...
Spaniard: I don`t bloody CARE! Ees MY bloody human right to park where I WANT!
Me: Honestly, I don`t think it works like that.

The blind opening the blind

First thing in the morning in friend`s posh new apartment, I push the switch to open the electric shutters. Imagine my horror when nothing happens. Oh God, oh God, why do they have to break when she is away and I am on my own? They have only just been installed, bloody French cowboys, I don`t even know who to call. This is going to be really expensive, why does this always happen to me, etc etc.

Then I realise they are in fact already open, as I forgot to shut them the night before, and the darkness is from outside because we are now in September.

Monkey Business

Me (harassed): I am sure it's along here, go on to the end....no?...errr...maybe it's left? Oh no, one way...oh bugger....errrrm it IS around here somewhere...honestly...let's keep looking...it can't be far..turn right...
Monkey (who, despite being a primate, still manages to drive a very big, posh, black motor): I think you are doing this on purpose just to spend more time in the car with me.

Plugging away at it..

Me: ...so anyway, that's two days now without internet, you have to understand, for me it's everything, TV, radio, telephone, email. Imagine if I had an accident! No one would know! Plus I am moving next week, worst time for it to go off. This only ever happens to me, it's not fair etc etc (continues plaintive squeaking for several minutes)
Computer expert (interrupting in a voice muffled by a large pile of boxes): I'll just put the plug back in the socket, shall I?. That'll be 49 euros, ta.

Another guest post!

"Hat"* to Laney who, after too many years in France, got his nouns and verbs mixed up while reading the headlines in the British press. Thus "Shop-a-looter" became a description, rather than an imperative.

* or "chapeau" as they say in France.

The game in Spain

Me: Do you want anything for the house? I am getting rid of loads of stuff.
Spaniard. Do you have a Playstation 3?

The return of the tax return

Imagine my surprise when, a day after putting a whopping cheque in the post for the tax office (and over a month before the due deadline), I find it back in my own postbox. I then realise I have, in fact, accidentally sent it to myself.

Wishful thinking.

The oldest swinger in town

Suave Frenchy: Do you know any swingers?
Me(spluttering): What?
SF: Swingers, you know, people who want to swap houses. My son and I could go to their house in the UK for our summer holidays and they could come here and stay in mine.
Me: I don't think you mean swingers.


(This is a serious proposition, apparently. There are others as well involving independently-minded English women, but I am not getting involved with any of that.)

Sweet banter

Me (waving bag of sugar at workman after making him a coffee): How much?
Workman (still managing to narrow his eyes, despite the glint in one of them): Oof, about 200g, I'd say....

The Grim Reaper

Me: I am aware that Death is trying to get me.
White Coat (putting stethoscope back into wallet): Since the day you were born, darling.

Its an ill wind.....

Stray: What's for dinner?
Me: I have no idea.
Stray: Why don't you try that celeriac and mushroom thing?
Me: No. Its too farty*.


*damaged brain combines FIDDLY and CLARTY into one word.

Mademoiselle Malaprop

Colleague: So are you 100% now, then?
Me: More or less. I still have double vision when I look down. Scairs are a bit starey. Oh, for God's sake.

Sardine maths!

In the cantine...

Just-married Frenchie:..and then we had a few days in Cassis, because the French government gives you a week off when you get married...
Me: Bloody hell, really?
Sardine: hhhmmm....(assumes crafty expression and starts scribbling furiously on till receipt)
Me and JMF:what on earth are you doing?
Sardine: My sums. If I take all my holidays, then include Bank Holidays, National Days and time in lieu, get married, have a baby, move house, and chuck just a couple of sickies, I reckon in France I can have the WHOLE YEAR OFF. Result!

Pay attention, 007..

Me: How did you know the sweets on your desk were from me?
Another Sardine(munching): Easy. When I logged on, it said you were the last to use the computer. Muppet.
Me(miffed):..I'll have you know, I could EASILY be a spy......I COULD, you know....
AS(laughing):Yeah. But not for very long.

Guest post!

French man fixing the kitchen boiler: Are you botanique? (trans: you have lot of plants in here, are you a gardener?)
Laney (bobbing around nervously):...er..well....yes.....er....I think it really adds something.....it's better like that, you know....(skips nimbly off into the next room, not knowing what else to say and a bit awkward)
FMFTB:..........? (bemused and slightly alarmed, fixes boiler as fast as possible and then scarpers)


Turns out the FMFTB had actually asked Laney if he was BRITANNIQUE.

Singeing the King of Spain's goatee....

(up a mountain, looking down from a chairlift)

Me: You know, if you ask me, the Spanish just look wrong in the snow. It's not their natural environment.
Spaniard: Yeah. Like the British on the beach.

Atomic Smitten

Very Intelligent Russian(out of the blue): Who is Kerry Katona?
Me(shocked): What?
VIR: She is all over this week's OK magazine...look...

Who are you calling random?

Airport security person: Step this way please, I need to search you.
Me(whining): But I have taken everything metal off..belt...jewellery...everything..
ASP(placatory): Don't worry, sometimes the machine just picks random people.
Me: Oh, I see. It's obviously working fine today, then.

Foot Fingers

Piggy: Do you like this nail polish? I think it will look great in the summer on my foot-fingers.
Me: I think you mean TOES.

What's in a name?

Suave Frenchy: I went peeper
Me: What?
SF(insistent): Peeper. I went peeper.
Me(nonplussed): No, sorry darling, no idea what you are on about.
SF(irate): PEEPER. Zee seester off Ket Meedeltonn! She ees gowjoos.

Muzzle needed

I managed to bite the orthodontist this morning. He let out a yelp of pain, but I experienced a strange feeling of satisfaction....

Best intentions

Me: Can I help you with anything? Shall I do some re-potting?
Evil Relative: No. It's a very delicate job.

Do you have the time?

Random relative: I am going to Mr Singh's for some compost.
Me (reclining on blanket on lawn): Oh, can you get a battery for my watch? It is upstairs and my purse is in the kitchen. I have needed a new one for AGES now. I wear it to remind me, but then I forget anyway. Mr Singh will put it in for you.
RR (sighs): I suppose so.

An HOUR later....RR (storming into garden): SO. Mr. Singh takes ages to get the back off your flipping watch, there is a big queue of people behind me, I let a little girl go in front and pay for her bag of rabbit food she had been waiting so long, then Mr Singh tells me it is AUTOMATIC after all, you dozy MOO! (chucks watch at me)
Me (cringeing and cowering) It was a WIND-UP, ha ha? No?

Just give me the pills

Vietnamese pharmacist (in French): %"£%&^&hjT&)) mouthwash.
Me (wincing): Terribly sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
VP: !$£%^&*)*&^%£""%^^ mouthwash.
Me(embarrassed): No, really sorry, still no joy with that one.
VP: !£%£&*)&^$%$£$£^&*$ mouthwash.
Me (giving up): I have some mouthwash already at home, thanks anyway.
VP: !£"£$%&^*%((*)%^&$£ from? £"%$£^^$ accent, there.
(translation) Where are you from? You've got a little accent, there.

Fruits of the Forest

Mad Auntie(typing furiously on handset): This is great, I can talk to everyone at the same time, you should get one of these Bramble things.
Me: Do you mean Blackberry?

Stupidity teeth

Suave dentist(removing rubber gloves with a snap): It is the wisdom teeth, yes..
Me: Unlikely, in my case, I would have thought. More like lack-of-wisdom..
SD: All four will have to come out.
Me(feeble, by now lying face-down in chair with hands and hair over face):...hamster...no...no
SD(not without humour):Well,..yes..yes..but one with nice big blue eyes, at least.

A Fishy business..

DaaaDA..DaaaDA..dadadadadadaDADADAAAAAAAA (Jaws music..)

Piggy's trotters

YUM!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water..

*squeaking sounds*

"Are you crazy? The FALL will probably kill you!" (Oh, sorry! Wrong film!)

The FIN-ish

Boys steal my food

Quietly minding my own business at work, then footsteps approach...
Frenchie: Dahling! You look lovely today (starts to stroke my hair). Do you 'ave any food for me? Even just a leetle beet?

...a few moments later..
English(shuffles up, bleary-eyed): Bloody hell. I am SO hungover. You got any scran?

....followed shortly after by..
Spaniard (difficult to make out what he is saying, due to unlit fag hanging out of mouth): Holaaaaaa! Mmmmm...galletas....veni aqui....

...just when you thought the coast was clear...
Portuguese: Hey girl! What food have you got today? Gimme! Wax on! Wax off!

....not to be outdone by....
Russian: Are you trying to fatten me up for the orthodox Easter or something? Spaysiba!

.Me(peering into empty biscuit box): Bloody hell, it says here there were 48 in here. I have only had FOUR. Oh, for God's sake. Is bloody hunter-pilferer, never mind hunger-gatherer.

A healthy diet

White Coat: Think in terms of multi-coloured foods when you are working out what to eat..that should mean you get all the vitamins and minerals you need and it will keep you healthy.
Me(pathetically): Do M&Ms count?

Brain drain

In canteen at work...

Me: You know how these days I can cook and I eat a really healthy diet and go to the gym a lot and am a bit nerdy?
Sardine(shovelling in chicken pie): Yerth.
Me: Well, I am such a different person these days, I am sure that in hospital they actually took my brain out and gave me a new one and the old one is still in a jar there, on a shelf somewhere.
Sardine(laughing): Seriously, I don't think they would have kept it.

The Gummi Bear

Scary Stray (wriggling on sofa): There is something in my trousers.
Me: Oh, for God's sake. That is so transparent. If you think I am looking down there, think again. Pah! Honestly.
SS: No, seriously..(wriggles some more)..Aha! Here it is! It's....a bloody GUMMI BEAR! How did that get down there? (glares at me)
Me(immediately assumes completely blank expression): I have NO idea.

Still confused

First thing in the morning, yawning in the kitchen, I calmly blow on the pill in my left hand before throwing back a mouthful of scalding coffee from the cup in my right. Heigh-ho.

Piggy gets on it

Me(having combed the venue, post-concert): There you are! At last! Phew. Are you ok?
Piggy (lounging on steps at stage door, surrounded by members of very famous band): YESH! HERE I am!(waves arm in air with a flourish) I have told theesh nice boys to take ush to a nightclub..and they said YESH! DIDN'T you? (slaps nearest one on the thigh for emphasis)
V-F-B (in unison): YES!
Me: Riiiiiiiiight...hmmmm..
Famous Band Member (nice, middle-class boy, drinking coke post-gig) to me: It's ok, she's ok here with us.
Me to FBM: Mate, it's YOU I'm worried about.

Froggy maths

Froggy: Do you have change for five euros? I am desperate for coffee.
Me: I think so...oh no...only four euros thirty..
Froggy (hunches over and fiddles with something)
Me: What are you doing?
Froggy: Just tearing up my five euros. How about I give you four-fifths?

Gym giggling

Me (lying on the bench press, feeling quite pleased with myself ): actually, this weightlifting thing is not so bad, I can manage this.
Fitness instructor (sniggering): I haven't put any weights on the ends of the pole yet.

Confused

First thing in the morning, yawning in the kitchen, I find myself calmly trying to pour water from the iron into my coffee cup.

More blue eyes

Man-in-the-street: Excuse me, can I just have a look at your eyes?
Me (embarrassed). eh, what?
M-i-t-s: How do you get that line around them? I was in love with a woman once and she had blue eyes like yours. How do you get that line? It's amazing.
Me: Err...haha...errr
M-i-t-s (walks off, muttering to himself)
Man-I-am-actually-with: Well now! Just goes to show how many of us have been given the run-around, eh?

Mile-high club

Flight attendant with trolley en route to Liverpool: I've got a new man on the go.
Other flight attendant: You haven't!
FA: I have! He took me up that Ben Nevis the other day. (That'll be two pounds fifty or three euros, please.)
Me (thinks): Is that dodgy Liverpool rhyming slang?
OFA: Ben Nevis? Isn't that in Scotland?
FA: Nooooo. It's in Wales. (Mind ya legs, there! Wa comin' through!)
OFA: Don't you mean Betws-y-coed?
FA: D'you know, I always get those two confused. (Do you want that bag up above, love?)

Speedos

Me: Oh, come on, come to the pool with me, it's really hot.
Spaniard: Will I have to wear speedos or can I wear shorts?
Me: You know it's speedos only.
Spaniard (nose in air): In that case, NO! In life, there are some things a heterosexual man should NEVER do.

feeling horny

Me: So, why don't you come round this afternoon and we can have a gossip? It's been at least 24 hours.
Piggy: I can't, I am waiting for a devilry.
Me: I think you mean DELIVERY....well, I hope so.

Uphill cycling

Me, slumped on train after cycling round town trying to park my bike post-badminton.
Man with bike on funicular: Hello!
Me (smiles uneasily but then thinks..hmmm): Can I just ask you, are we allowed to bring bikes on the train, then?
M-w-b-o-f (snuggles in next to me without even being asked): Well, you are allowed to take them uphill but not down.
Me: Ah, I see. I wish I had known that before I rode round town for half an hour.
M-w-b-o-f: Are you married?

weighing more vegetables

Elderly French man with arms full of loose fruit and veg: Here you go! On the scales!
Shop assistant: Errr....do you have any bags for all these?
E-f-m-w-h-f-o-f-a-v (fruit and veg bouncing everywhere): I only ever use one bag, here it is. On, off, easy!
Assistant: Err..where do you want me to put all the seperate price stickers, then?
E-f-m-w-h-f-o-f-a-v: On the one bag, like so. Voila!
Me(at head of the now-lengthy queue behind): Oh for God's sake.

making an arse of it

White Coat: Right, this is your entire medical history since you had the accident and were brought in. Safe trip home!
Me (thinks to myself): Get in! At last I will find out exactly what happened.

Later that night, at home:
Me (reading to myself):...riding accident blah blah....brought in unconscious by helicoper...blah...but everything seems to be working ok...blah blah..nasal swab clear...anal swab clear...I beg your pardon, what?

At the cash machine

Woman-slumped-next-to-cash-machine-holding-baby: mutter...mutter...mutter
Me(putting card in): No, I don't give money to beggars on the street, please go away.
W-s-n-t-c-m-h-b: mutter...mutter..mutter
Me(peering at screen): Oh for God's sake! Where is my bloody money? Now what's wrong?
W-s-n-t-c-m-h-b: I was trying to tell you, it's not working.

blue eyes

Man in cable car: Have you got blue eyes?
Me(nose pressed up against his chest due to the throng of skiers): erm, well, yes, erm...
Man(shouts over his shoulder): Hey Laurent! There's one over here with blue eyes and dark hair! Come and have a look!
Me: Oh God, Oh God....(endures the rest of the trip then bolts out of the door like a scalded cat when the telecabine stops)

Pizza

Me (smiling): Hello. Can I have a slice of that vegetable pizza, please?
French-woman-behind-counter-in-hypermarket (scowling): I don't have any.
Me (confused) : oh! Er....well, that one then? (points with finger)
F-W-B-C-i-H: That one? But that's mushroom and pepper! (puts it in box) Have a nice weekend!
Me : whimper...(staggers away..)

Yet more pizza

Me (warîly): Hello. A slice of that ham-and-mushroom pizza, please (points slowly with finger)
Hypermarket woman:This one?(goes to clam-and-banana pizza)
Me: No,no, this one, HAM-and-MUSHROOM.
HW (cross): Well, you should have SAID. How much? (cuts enormous slice)
Me (cowardly): that's perfect. And a slice of quiche as well, in the same box is OK
HW(tuts and rolls eyes): I don't have that RIGHT.

ps Just realised the slice of pizza I ended up with was in fact more than 7 euros. Bloody Hell.

On the piste

Me: yeah, so anyway, I left Liverpool at 10am and I was here on the sofa by 2pm, drinking coffee!
Piggy: Really? You should take that flight more often if it's that quick.
Me: It only goes in winter, its for the ski-ing.
Piggy: Oh, well. Where can you ski in Liverpool, then?

weighing vegetables

Me: smiles, puts a bag of loose vegetables on the scales and places the other bags alongside to be weighed next
Shop assistant: presses button for price sticker then sits motionless
Me: looks blankly at  her
Shop assistant: looks back
Me: looks round a bit wildly then twigs; puts the sticker on the bag, removes the bag and puts the next one on
Shop assistant: smiles in a satisfied way, presses button for price sticker...etc etc

The chugger

Pesterer (whispering into my ear on the street): Mademoiselle, you are charming, I just want to discuss something with you...
Me: I don't think so (walks on)
Another pesterer: Mademoiselle! Do you by any chance have a cigarette for me?
Me: No! Go away!(walks on)
Yet another pesterer: approaches, muttering something I can't quite make out
Me: Oh, for God's sake! Just bugger off, will you? I have had enough now!

A few metres further on, I see a whole group of them together. That's when I realise I have just said bugger to a chugger.

Not what they seem

Me: scampering to work, at the top of some stairs, I see a couple of crusty-looking, shabbily-dressed characters hanging around at the bottom. They look very dodgy. Late for the bus, I decide to carry on.
Crusty: (in French) stop, please, I need to talk to you....
Me: (in English) I don't speak French (strides on)
Crusty (running alongside now, clutches at my sleeve): Yurss, yurss, pleese, I am speaking ze Eeeengleeesh...sturp..sturp
Me: Oh, bugger off. If you don't, I will call the police.
Crusty(lets go and drops back): pleese...pleese...I really need talk weez you
Me (relieved): strides on with nose in air, around the corner and straight onto a FILM SET.

Turns out the crusties were runners. Ooops.

Brain damage

Stray Sardine (with mouth full of cake): hey, it'th really good that you bumped your head, you know.
Me: eh?
Stray Sardine (spraying crumbs everywhere while speaking): yerth, becauth now you can cook, which thertainly wathn't the cathe before.