The Chocolate Fireman

Me (in kitchen, hattered, blathering) :…so there I was in the middle of baking when the bell went, I ran to the front door and yanked it open, thinking it was you, but instead it was a fireman in full uniform, looking a bit stunned I have to say, I mean, how often does something like that just knock on your front door, anyway, I bought a calendar from him (I was so flustered I gave him five euros, it wasn't cheap and it is a bit rubbish to be honest, just pictures of them fully-clothed, spraying water on chemicals, honestly, they really need to work on their PR) and I gave him my phone number as he has very kindly offered to come back on his day off and help me install my fire alarms..imagine..

Chief Stray (bemused/resigned) : What's that brown smear across your chin?

Me (running to mirror, horrified) : Oh God. It's chocolate from the cake mix (panics) OhGodOhGod - do you think he noticed?

Just the ticket

(racing through France on the TGV)

SNCF ticket inspector: Is that your diary?
Me (scribbling furiously ahead of scary meeting): What? No.
SNCF: That's a shame.
Me (looking up again, scrunching up face in irritated, rodent-like grimace): Why?
SNCF: I was going to tell you to put dinner with me in for Friday night (wafts off airily).

Plopsaland

(At party)
Me: So, where did you say you were from, then?
Suave Belgian: Knokke, it's a tiny place on the coast.
Me: Yeah, I know it, actually. We often came on holiday to the Belgian coast when I was a child. Knokke, Oostduinkerke, De Panne, Koksijde. Isn't that where Belgium's biggest sand-dune is?
SB: Bloody hell (Flemish equivalent of), the Hoge Blekker. I can't believe you have heard of it.
Me: Mate, I tried to climb it with my cousins, but it was too big. We were much smaller at the time, though.
And Meli Park! Is it still open?
SB (stunned): Yes! But its now called Plopsaland. And the bees have gone.

La Dame de Fer

Suave Frenchy (placing his hand on my arm and looking deeply into my eyes in what I can only imagine is an attempt at empathy): Hay am really sorree about Ze Hi-ron Laydee-uh.

Infidelity card

(queuing at till in hypermarket)

Lady behind till: Do you have a fidelity card?
Man in front of me: No.
Me (chirps up, despite knowing that remaining silent is always the best option): I have! (waves card)
LBT (laughing): No, sorry, it has to be him.
MIFOM: I am afraid I am completely infidele (gently places hand on top of mine on belt and looks soulfully into my eyes)..but only when it comes to shopping, that is....



(Translation note: Fidelity card means store loyalty card in the UK)

Days of Blunder

(At bus stop)

Me (squinting at timetable): LuMaMeJeVe....that's a funny name for a place, where is that stop, then?
Long-suffering Stray: It's the days of the week, you dozy woman.
Me: Oh god, I AM brain damaged, aren't I? Oh god...oh god...(starts having wobbler)
LSS (resigned): No. You were like this before.

Sweet banter

Me (waving bag of sugar at workman after making him a coffee): How much?
Workman (still managing to narrow his eyes, despite the glint in one of them): Oof, about 200g, I'd say....