Bun Pun

Confused Parent (she's back!): Do you want your muttin buffered?

Slug it out (revenge post)

(Idly watching cowboy film on TV)


Ernest Borgnine (grim): Son, A'hm-a gonna have to git that there slug outta your leg, afore it kills ya...


Confused Me (dozy): Slug? A slug?* What on earth is a cowboy doing with a slug in his leg? I wouldn't have said it was life-threatening, really, either. Bit slimy, maybe, but not fatal. Honestly.


Knowledgeable Parent (withering): Slug is another word for bullet, pet.




(NB This post has been produced under duress. Knowledgeable Parent (more commonly known as Confused Parent) has insisted I do it and is in fact standing over me and breathing down my neck as I type. As they say, freedom of speech is one of the first things to suffer under a totalitarian regime.....)




*une limace

In a stew

Confused Parent: Well, it's a major airport, so they must have a wireless hotpot.




(Note to non-northern, non-English people: hotpot means casserole/marmite like boeuf bourgignon, but we make them out of turnips and old socks.)

Leaf Encounter

First day of September and look what I have just found outside. 

Winter coming...abort....abort...

Dog Days

(At the dog playground)

Frenchy (manfully restraining a swashbuckling, moustache-twirling King Charles Spaniel): That's a bitch, isn't it? And it looks like she is on heat.
Me (wearily wearing a squealing, squirming Jack Russell as a hat): What makes you say that?

Moonstruck

Confused Parent (over breakfast): You know there was a Supermoon last night?
Me (reading paper): hhhmmm
CP: Well, you can still see it. There is an enormous half-moon over there in the sky, it's really bright.
Me (squinting): Where? I can't see it.
CP (points): There! Over the top of that hill.
Me (gets up, peers through window): Do you mean those clouds? They are a bit pinky.
CP (irritated, points): NO! Its a great big luminous white half-circle! Right THERE! LOOK!
Me (panicking, thinks): Bloody hell, my eyes really are bad. I can't see a thing. Or maybe it's my brain? It could be a tumour. Oh God...Oh God...making doctor's appointment for 9am tomorrow..this is it now..the end..
CP: Oh, hang on a minute. It's the reflection from the kitchen light. You can only see it from where I am sitting. (Blithely) Silly me!

What cat? Where?

Cat (thinks): You ain't seen me, right? I am in fact merely a branch of this tree. Come on, birdies, come on down. Nothing to be scared of.....

Vegetables that look like politicians no.2

Following the phenomenal success of the De Gaulle Tomato (see Facebook posting of March 2010), today, with just a few weeks to go until the 2014 European Elections, Rosbiff is pleased to bring you the second in the series "Vegetables that look like politicians"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, for your all big pleasure (as they say in France) ...................................................the Winston Churchill Potato

Victory!

Photo Shopping No.1

The first of an occasional series featuring shop names that make me smile. 

Just the ticket

(racing through France on the TGV)

SNCF ticket inspector: Is that your diary?
Me (scribbling furiously ahead of scary meeting): What? No.
SNCF: That's a shame.
Me (looking up again, scrunching up face in irritated, rodent-like grimace): Why?
SNCF: I was going to tell you to put dinner with me in for Friday night (wafts off airily).

Buttered Up

(She has gone home now so am safe to post this one)

Confused Parent (licking fingers): That was a lovely bit of battenberg. Ooh, I have just remembered, "Last Tango in Paris" is on BBC1 tonight. We can watch that.

Me (spluttering cake crumbs): Don't you mean "Last Tango in Halifax"? The one with Judi Dench and Derek Jacobi?

CP (blithely): Oh yes, sorry.