Best intentions

Me: Can I help you with anything? Shall I do some re-potting?
Evil Relative: No. It's a very delicate job.

Do you have the time?

Random relative: I am going to Mr Singh's for some compost.
Me (reclining on blanket on lawn): Oh, can you get a battery for my watch? It is upstairs and my purse is in the kitchen. I have needed a new one for AGES now. I wear it to remind me, but then I forget anyway. Mr Singh will put it in for you.
RR (sighs): I suppose so.

An HOUR later....RR (storming into garden): SO. Mr. Singh takes ages to get the back off your flipping watch, there is a big queue of people behind me, I let a little girl go in front and pay for her bag of rabbit food she had been waiting so long, then Mr Singh tells me it is AUTOMATIC after all, you dozy MOO! (chucks watch at me)
Me (cringeing and cowering) It was a WIND-UP, ha ha? No?

Just give me the pills

Vietnamese pharmacist (in French): %"£%&^&hjT&)) mouthwash.
Me (wincing): Terribly sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
VP: !$£%^&*)*&^%£""%^^ mouthwash.
Me(embarrassed): No, really sorry, still no joy with that one.
VP: !£%£&*)&^$%$£$£^&*$ mouthwash.
Me (giving up): I have some mouthwash already at home, thanks anyway.
VP: !£"£$%&^*%((*)%^&$£ from? £"%$£^^$ accent, there.
(translation) Where are you from? You've got a little accent, there.

Fruits of the Forest

Mad Auntie(typing furiously on handset): This is great, I can talk to everyone at the same time, you should get one of these Bramble things.
Me: Do you mean Blackberry?