Four-letter word

(personal email from institute of higher education)

.....and your intranet password is:    *** SHaG

Bog Standard

Me (coming out of toilet cubicle in Carrefour): Oh God, they have put URINALS in the WOMENS` loo here, urgh, this country can be so uncivilised sometimes (goes to wash hands) urgh urgh water and soggy paper towels everywhere and NO SOAP LEFT for god`s sake...(realisation slowly dawns)..oh god..oh god...I think I am in the wrong toilets.......and I SAT DOWN as well...(scuttles out sharpish)

What did you say?

Piggy: ...so put zat on your pipe and smoke eet!
Me: Have you been downloading Downton Abbey again?

I love you.....me neither.

Suave Frenchy (driving):...so, in fact, it is the capitalist societies like yours that encourage divorce...because they want people to live seperately so that there are more households and so people need to buy twice as much.
Me (clinging on): Well, that is one way of looking at it.
SF: Anyway, I am too much of a loner to ever live with anyone again. It makes me...FERK!!!!! ZE RUGBY! SHEET! MERDE! (fiddles with radio, swerves) Ees la France against Canada! Be quiet!

Lets be Franco

Spaniard (fag on, shouting in my ear as he cranes over his shoulder, trying to reverse park): and THEN, these bloody Indignant b******s, you know what they did? They p****d on the altar and aggressed the people who came to see the Pope! And THEY are always talking about THEIR bloody human rights! F*****g B******S! I HATE them.
Me(timidly): You know, I think this might be a disabled space...
Spaniard: I don`t bloody CARE! Ees MY bloody human right to park where I WANT!
Me: Honestly, I don`t think it works like that.

The blind opening the blind

First thing in the morning in friend`s posh new apartment, I push the switch to open the electric shutters. Imagine my horror when nothing happens. Oh God, oh God, why do they have to break when she is away and I am on my own? They have only just been installed, bloody French cowboys, I don`t even know who to call. This is going to be really expensive, why does this always happen to me, etc etc.

Then I realise they are in fact already open, as I forgot to shut them the night before, and the darkness is from outside because we are now in September.

Monkey Business

Me (harassed): I am sure it's along here, go on to the end....no?...errr...maybe it's left? Oh no, one way...oh bugger....errrrm it IS around here somewhere...honestly...let's keep looking...it can't be far..turn right...
Monkey (who, despite being a primate, still manages to drive a very big, posh, black motor): I think you are doing this on purpose just to spend more time in the car with me.