The Chocolate Fireman

Me (in kitchen, hattered, blathering) :…so there I was in the middle of baking when the bell went, I ran to the front door and yanked it open, thinking it was you, but instead it was a fireman in full uniform, looking a bit stunned I have to say, I mean, how often does something like that just knock on your front door, anyway, I bought a calendar from him (I was so flustered I gave him five euros, it wasn't cheap and it is a bit rubbish to be honest, just pictures of them fully-clothed, spraying water on chemicals, honestly, they really need to work on their PR) and I gave him my phone number as he has very kindly offered to come back on his day off and help me install my fire alarms..imagine..

Chief Stray (bemused/resigned) : What's that brown smear across your chin?

Me (running to mirror, horrified) : Oh God. It's chocolate from the cake mix (panics) OhGodOhGod - do you think he noticed?

Moonstruck

Confused Parent (over breakfast): You know there was a Supermoon last night?
Me (reading paper): hhhmmm
CP: Well, you can still see it. There is an enormous half-moon over there in the sky, it's really bright.
Me (squinting): Where? I can't see it.
CP (points): There! Over the top of that hill.
Me (gets up, peers through window): Do you mean those clouds? They are a bit pinky.
CP (irritated, points): NO! Its a great big luminous white half-circle! Right THERE! LOOK!
Me (panicking, thinks): Bloody hell, my eyes really are bad. I can't see a thing. Or maybe it's my brain? It could be a tumour. Oh God...Oh God...making doctor's appointment for 9am tomorrow..this is it now..the end..
CP: Oh, hang on a minute. It's the reflection from the kitchen light. You can only see it from where I am sitting. (Blithely) Silly me!

Milk-shakey

In the kitchen, calmly unpacking the shopping, I have just put the carton of milk beside the tap and the washing-up liquid in the fridge.

My question is, why do I never do this in any useful way? Eg putting the 48-page article about the structural implications of the decline of liberal internationalism in the fridge and the large box of Magnum ice lollies next to me on the sofa? Why?

Laos talk costs lives

Me (polite): Where are you from, then?
Neighbour: Laos.
Me (thick): Oh, that's nice. What country is that in, then?
Neighbour: It IS a country.

Days of Blunder

(At bus stop)

Me (squinting at timetable): LuMaMeJeVe....that's a funny name for a place, where is that stop, then?
Long-suffering Stray: It's the days of the week, you dozy woman.
Me: Oh god, I AM brain damaged, aren't I? Oh god...oh god...(starts having wobbler)
LSS (resigned): No. You were like this before.

Pontius Pilates strikes back

Fitness Instructor (points and snaps): Get that leg straight!
Me (through gritted teeth): It IS straight...ouf...ow...ow..
FI: It is NOT! (repositions leg, I squeal) Trust me, I can spot STRAIGHT a MILE OFF.

Revenge is sweet(s)

After turning the room upside down, crying incoherently, walking back to campus and retracing my steps, interrupting a lecture to make everyone look under their desks on the floor, being so distressed in the shop that someone offered to walk me to lost property, sobbing so much the security man took pity on me and walked me to the estates office and then leaving still empty-handed, traipsing my way back home (by which time I had missed the Cheltenham Gold Cup on the radio)..

...I find my precious memory stick containing my 3,500 word essay due on Monday and my dozens of research articles for my dissertation lying brazenly in the dish of sweets on my desk. Even has dainty icing-sugar finger prints all over it.

Pontius Pilates

Fitness instructor: Is it hurting yet?
Me(bent double, leg behind head): mmmmpppfffhhhh...arrrrgh
FI (airily): Am I bovvered? (pushes my knee down further) Every masochist needs a sadist, darling.

Always read the small print

Just polished my desk with mosquito repellent.

Making the breast of it

In the interests of harmonious social relations, I have avoided posting the numerous ignorant, insensitive and the (thankfully rare) downright malicious questions, comments and observations following the accident two years ago. But as life moves onwards and upwards, here is my all-time favourite for your enjoyment:

(Three days after my return from 7 months of sick leave that included a week in a coma, paralysis, two months in a neurological rehabilitation unit and severe post-traumatic shock)

Female person (scowling): You`ve lost WEIGHT...(grips my upper arm painfully and leans in to hiss resentfully in my ear)..but you haven`t lost your BREASTS!!!!


ps I would like to point out that the supportive, understanding and humane reactions I have had far outweighed the horrible ones. You should all be very proud of yourselves. Big kiss.

Bog Standard

Me (coming out of toilet cubicle in Carrefour): Oh God, they have put URINALS in the WOMENS` loo here, urgh, this country can be so uncivilised sometimes (goes to wash hands) urgh urgh water and soggy paper towels everywhere and NO SOAP LEFT for god`s sake...(realisation slowly dawns)..oh god..oh god...I think I am in the wrong toilets.......and I SAT DOWN as well...(scuttles out sharpish)

The blind opening the blind

First thing in the morning in friend`s posh new apartment, I push the switch to open the electric shutters. Imagine my horror when nothing happens. Oh God, oh God, why do they have to break when she is away and I am on my own? They have only just been installed, bloody French cowboys, I don`t even know who to call. This is going to be really expensive, why does this always happen to me, etc etc.

Then I realise they are in fact already open, as I forgot to shut them the night before, and the darkness is from outside because we are now in September.

Plugging away at it..

Me: ...so anyway, that's two days now without internet, you have to understand, for me it's everything, TV, radio, telephone, email. Imagine if I had an accident! No one would know! Plus I am moving next week, worst time for it to go off. This only ever happens to me, it's not fair etc etc (continues plaintive squeaking for several minutes)
Computer expert (interrupting in a voice muffled by a large pile of boxes): I'll just put the plug back in the socket, shall I?. That'll be 49 euros, ta.

The return of the tax return

Imagine my surprise when, a day after putting a whopping cheque in the post for the tax office (and over a month before the due deadline), I find it back in my own postbox. I then realise I have, in fact, accidentally sent it to myself.

Wishful thinking.

The Grim Reaper

Me: I am aware that Death is trying to get me.
White Coat (putting stethoscope back into wallet): Since the day you were born, darling.

Its an ill wind.....

Stray: What's for dinner?
Me: I have no idea.
Stray: Why don't you try that celeriac and mushroom thing?
Me: No. Its too farty*.


*damaged brain combines FIDDLY and CLARTY into one word.

Mademoiselle Malaprop

Colleague: So are you 100% now, then?
Me: More or less. I still have double vision when I look down. Scairs are a bit starey. Oh, for God's sake.

A healthy diet

White Coat: Think in terms of multi-coloured foods when you are working out what to eat..that should mean you get all the vitamins and minerals you need and it will keep you healthy.
Me(pathetically): Do M&Ms count?

Brain drain

In canteen at work...

Me: You know how these days I can cook and I eat a really healthy diet and go to the gym a lot and am a bit nerdy?
Sardine(shovelling in chicken pie): Yerth.
Me: Well, I am such a different person these days, I am sure that in hospital they actually took my brain out and gave me a new one and the old one is still in a jar there, on a shelf somewhere.
Sardine(laughing): Seriously, I don't think they would have kept it.

Still confused

First thing in the morning, yawning in the kitchen, I calmly blow on the pill in my left hand before throwing back a mouthful of scalding coffee from the cup in my right. Heigh-ho.