My cat? My PLEASURE.

French banker: What about Monchat? That's a really nice neighbourhood.
Me: No. In English it means "My cat".
FB: Ah, I see.(sly look) What about Monplaisir?

Speaking in tongues

Muddled Maple Leaf (jobhunting): "....so I think that might help actually, because my mother's tongue is English."
Piggy: "My mother's tongue is French but my mother's mother's tongue is Spanish. AND my father's mother's tongue."
Monkey: "My mother's tongue is portuguese."
Laney (sniggering): I think you mean MOTHER tongue.

Dog gone

Cute but mad-eyed Border Collie: HelloHuman! Allowmetointroducemyself! Iamabordercollie! Yes! Thesunisshining! Isn'tlifegreat? Ihaveridiculousamountsofenergy! Hereismyballasyouobviouslyhavenotnoticedityet! (nudges slobber-and-grass covered ball into my hand) Pleasethrowitalongwayforme! Yes! (does little excited stamp and wiggle)
Me: oh, hello. You are VERY cute. What's your name?
CBMEBC: ohwhogivesastuff? LikeIcanspeakhumananyway? Iamadogyouplonker! THROWTHEBLOODYBALL! (small, insistent yip and wiggle)
Me: Do you want me to throw the ball for you?
CBMEBC: YESYESYESYESYESYESYES (starts edging away without taking eyes off me)
Me: here you go,then (I throw the ball)
CBMEBC: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!(streaks off after it, ears,fur,tongue and tail flying)

Pontius Pilates strikes back

Fitness Instructor (points and snaps): Get that leg straight!
Me (through gritted teeth): It IS straight...ouf...ow...ow..
FI: It is NOT! (repositions leg, I squeal) Trust me, I can spot STRAIGHT a MILE OFF.

Revenge is sweet(s)

After turning the room upside down, crying incoherently, walking back to campus and retracing my steps, interrupting a lecture to make everyone look under their desks on the floor, being so distressed in the shop that someone offered to walk me to lost property, sobbing so much the security man took pity on me and walked me to the estates office and then leaving still empty-handed, traipsing my way back home (by which time I had missed the Cheltenham Gold Cup on the radio)..

...I find my precious memory stick containing my 3,500 word essay due on Monday and my dozens of research articles for my dissertation lying brazenly in the dish of sweets on my desk. Even has dainty icing-sugar finger prints all over it.

Pontius Pilates

Fitness instructor: Is it hurting yet?
Me(bent double, leg behind head): mmmmpppfffhhhh...arrrrgh
FI (airily): Am I bovvered? (pushes my knee down further) Every masochist needs a sadist, darling.

Bread of Heaven

(flyer shoved under my door):


"Pleasure or God: Do I have to choose? Free lunch and short talk."


Might go. It's a free lunch.

Always read the small print

Just polished my desk with mosquito repellent.