The Gummi Bear

Scary Stray (wriggling on sofa): There is something in my trousers.
Me: Oh, for God's sake. That is so transparent. If you think I am looking down there, think again. Pah! Honestly.
SS: No, seriously..(wriggles some more)..Aha! Here it is! It's....a bloody GUMMI BEAR! How did that get down there? (glares at me)
Me(immediately assumes completely blank expression): I have NO idea.

Still confused

First thing in the morning, yawning in the kitchen, I calmly blow on the pill in my left hand before throwing back a mouthful of scalding coffee from the cup in my right. Heigh-ho.

Piggy gets on it

Me(having combed the venue, post-concert): There you are! At last! Phew. Are you ok?
Piggy (lounging on steps at stage door, surrounded by members of very famous band): YESH! HERE I am!(waves arm in air with a flourish) I have told theesh nice boys to take ush to a nightclub..and they said YESH! DIDN'T you? (slaps nearest one on the thigh for emphasis)
V-F-B (in unison): YES!
Me: Riiiiiiiiight...hmmmm..
Famous Band Member (nice, middle-class boy, drinking coke post-gig) to me: It's ok, she's ok here with us.
Me to FBM: Mate, it's YOU I'm worried about.

Froggy maths

Froggy: Do you have change for five euros? I am desperate for coffee.
Me: I think so...oh no...only four euros thirty..
Froggy (hunches over and fiddles with something)
Me: What are you doing?
Froggy: Just tearing up my five euros. How about I give you four-fifths?

Gym giggling

Me (lying on the bench press, feeling quite pleased with myself ): actually, this weightlifting thing is not so bad, I can manage this.
Fitness instructor (sniggering): I haven't put any weights on the ends of the pole yet.

Confused

First thing in the morning, yawning in the kitchen, I find myself calmly trying to pour water from the iron into my coffee cup.

More blue eyes

Man-in-the-street: Excuse me, can I just have a look at your eyes?
Me (embarrassed). eh, what?
M-i-t-s: How do you get that line around them? I was in love with a woman once and she had blue eyes like yours. How do you get that line? It's amazing.
Me: Err...haha...errr
M-i-t-s (walks off, muttering to himself)
Man-I-am-actually-with: Well now! Just goes to show how many of us have been given the run-around, eh?

Mile-high club

Flight attendant with trolley en route to Liverpool: I've got a new man on the go.
Other flight attendant: You haven't!
FA: I have! He took me up that Ben Nevis the other day. (That'll be two pounds fifty or three euros, please.)
Me (thinks): Is that dodgy Liverpool rhyming slang?
OFA: Ben Nevis? Isn't that in Scotland?
FA: Nooooo. It's in Wales. (Mind ya legs, there! Wa comin' through!)
OFA: Don't you mean Betws-y-coed?
FA: D'you know, I always get those two confused. (Do you want that bag up above, love?)

Speedos

Me: Oh, come on, come to the pool with me, it's really hot.
Spaniard: Will I have to wear speedos or can I wear shorts?
Me: You know it's speedos only.
Spaniard (nose in air): In that case, NO! In life, there are some things a heterosexual man should NEVER do.

feeling horny

Me: So, why don't you come round this afternoon and we can have a gossip? It's been at least 24 hours.
Piggy: I can't, I am waiting for a devilry.
Me: I think you mean DELIVERY....well, I hope so.

Uphill cycling

Me, slumped on train after cycling round town trying to park my bike post-badminton.
Man with bike on funicular: Hello!
Me (smiles uneasily but then thinks..hmmm): Can I just ask you, are we allowed to bring bikes on the train, then?
M-w-b-o-f (snuggles in next to me without even being asked): Well, you are allowed to take them uphill but not down.
Me: Ah, I see. I wish I had known that before I rode round town for half an hour.
M-w-b-o-f: Are you married?

weighing more vegetables

Elderly French man with arms full of loose fruit and veg: Here you go! On the scales!
Shop assistant: Errr....do you have any bags for all these?
E-f-m-w-h-f-o-f-a-v (fruit and veg bouncing everywhere): I only ever use one bag, here it is. On, off, easy!
Assistant: Err..where do you want me to put all the seperate price stickers, then?
E-f-m-w-h-f-o-f-a-v: On the one bag, like so. Voila!
Me(at head of the now-lengthy queue behind): Oh for God's sake.

making an arse of it

White Coat: Right, this is your entire medical history since you had the accident and were brought in. Safe trip home!
Me (thinks to myself): Get in! At last I will find out exactly what happened.

Later that night, at home:
Me (reading to myself):...riding accident blah blah....brought in unconscious by helicoper...blah...but everything seems to be working ok...blah blah..nasal swab clear...anal swab clear...I beg your pardon, what?

At the cash machine

Woman-slumped-next-to-cash-machine-holding-baby: mutter...mutter...mutter
Me(putting card in): No, I don't give money to beggars on the street, please go away.
W-s-n-t-c-m-h-b: mutter...mutter..mutter
Me(peering at screen): Oh for God's sake! Where is my bloody money? Now what's wrong?
W-s-n-t-c-m-h-b: I was trying to tell you, it's not working.

blue eyes

Man in cable car: Have you got blue eyes?
Me(nose pressed up against his chest due to the throng of skiers): erm, well, yes, erm...
Man(shouts over his shoulder): Hey Laurent! There's one over here with blue eyes and dark hair! Come and have a look!
Me: Oh God, Oh God....(endures the rest of the trip then bolts out of the door like a scalded cat when the telecabine stops)

Pizza

Me (smiling): Hello. Can I have a slice of that vegetable pizza, please?
French-woman-behind-counter-in-hypermarket (scowling): I don't have any.
Me (confused) : oh! Er....well, that one then? (points with finger)
F-W-B-C-i-H: That one? But that's mushroom and pepper! (puts it in box) Have a nice weekend!
Me : whimper...(staggers away..)

Yet more pizza

Me (warîly): Hello. A slice of that ham-and-mushroom pizza, please (points slowly with finger)
Hypermarket woman:This one?(goes to clam-and-banana pizza)
Me: No,no, this one, HAM-and-MUSHROOM.
HW (cross): Well, you should have SAID. How much? (cuts enormous slice)
Me (cowardly): that's perfect. And a slice of quiche as well, in the same box is OK
HW(tuts and rolls eyes): I don't have that RIGHT.

ps Just realised the slice of pizza I ended up with was in fact more than 7 euros. Bloody Hell.

On the piste

Me: yeah, so anyway, I left Liverpool at 10am and I was here on the sofa by 2pm, drinking coffee!
Piggy: Really? You should take that flight more often if it's that quick.
Me: It only goes in winter, its for the ski-ing.
Piggy: Oh, well. Where can you ski in Liverpool, then?

weighing vegetables

Me: smiles, puts a bag of loose vegetables on the scales and places the other bags alongside to be weighed next
Shop assistant: presses button for price sticker then sits motionless
Me: looks blankly at  her
Shop assistant: looks back
Me: looks round a bit wildly then twigs; puts the sticker on the bag, removes the bag and puts the next one on
Shop assistant: smiles in a satisfied way, presses button for price sticker...etc etc

The chugger

Pesterer (whispering into my ear on the street): Mademoiselle, you are charming, I just want to discuss something with you...
Me: I don't think so (walks on)
Another pesterer: Mademoiselle! Do you by any chance have a cigarette for me?
Me: No! Go away!(walks on)
Yet another pesterer: approaches, muttering something I can't quite make out
Me: Oh, for God's sake! Just bugger off, will you? I have had enough now!

A few metres further on, I see a whole group of them together. That's when I realise I have just said bugger to a chugger.

Not what they seem

Me: scampering to work, at the top of some stairs, I see a couple of crusty-looking, shabbily-dressed characters hanging around at the bottom. They look very dodgy. Late for the bus, I decide to carry on.
Crusty: (in French) stop, please, I need to talk to you....
Me: (in English) I don't speak French (strides on)
Crusty (running alongside now, clutches at my sleeve): Yurss, yurss, pleese, I am speaking ze Eeeengleeesh...sturp..sturp
Me: Oh, bugger off. If you don't, I will call the police.
Crusty(lets go and drops back): pleese...pleese...I really need talk weez you
Me (relieved): strides on with nose in air, around the corner and straight onto a FILM SET.

Turns out the crusties were runners. Ooops.

Brain damage

Stray Sardine (with mouth full of cake): hey, it'th really good that you bumped your head, you know.
Me: eh?
Stray Sardine (spraying crumbs everywhere while speaking): yerth, becauth now you can cook, which thertainly wathn't the cathe before.