Driller Killer

 DIY Helpline Person* (polite):....and is it Miss or Mrs?

Me: Miss...(thinks)...that's why I'm buying a drill.

(extended giggling on both sides)

DIYHP (still giggling):...sorry if you can hear noises in the background, that's my rabbit.

Me (intrigued) : So does he live in the house?

DIYHP: Yes. Because we live in Foxtown.

Me (dim): Oh, where's that then? Scotland?

*Leroy Merlin for Frenchies

Queen Free

HRH Confused Parent (pleased): Marks and Spencer have sent me a free cosmetic gift set.
Me (polite interest): Oh, right. Why is that?
HRH CP (snooty): Because I have a royalty card.

Infidelity card

(queuing at till in hypermarket)

Lady behind till: Do you have a fidelity card?
Man in front of me: No.
Me (chirps up, despite knowing that remaining silent is always the best option): I have! (waves card)
LBT (laughing): No, sorry, it has to be him.
MIFOM: I am afraid I am completely infidele (gently places hand on top of mine on belt and looks soulfully into my eyes)..but only when it comes to shopping, that is....



(Translation note: Fidelity card means store loyalty card in the UK)

Just give me the pills

Vietnamese pharmacist (in French): %"£%&^&hjT&)) mouthwash.
Me (wincing): Terribly sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
VP: !$£%^&*)*&^%£""%^^ mouthwash.
Me(embarrassed): No, really sorry, still no joy with that one.
VP: !£%£&*)&^$%$£$£^&*$ mouthwash.
Me (giving up): I have some mouthwash already at home, thanks anyway.
VP: !£"£$%&^*%((*)%^&$£ from? £"%$£^^$ accent, there.
(translation) Where are you from? You've got a little accent, there.

weighing more vegetables

Elderly French man with arms full of loose fruit and veg: Here you go! On the scales!
Shop assistant: Errr....do you have any bags for all these?
E-f-m-w-h-f-o-f-a-v (fruit and veg bouncing everywhere): I only ever use one bag, here it is. On, off, easy!
Assistant: Err..where do you want me to put all the seperate price stickers, then?
E-f-m-w-h-f-o-f-a-v: On the one bag, like so. Voila!
Me(at head of the now-lengthy queue behind): Oh for God's sake.

Pizza

Me (smiling): Hello. Can I have a slice of that vegetable pizza, please?
French-woman-behind-counter-in-hypermarket (scowling): I don't have any.
Me (confused) : oh! Er....well, that one then? (points with finger)
F-W-B-C-i-H: That one? But that's mushroom and pepper! (puts it in box) Have a nice weekend!
Me : whimper...(staggers away..)

Yet more pizza

Me (warîly): Hello. A slice of that ham-and-mushroom pizza, please (points slowly with finger)
Hypermarket woman:This one?(goes to clam-and-banana pizza)
Me: No,no, this one, HAM-and-MUSHROOM.
HW (cross): Well, you should have SAID. How much? (cuts enormous slice)
Me (cowardly): that's perfect. And a slice of quiche as well, in the same box is OK
HW(tuts and rolls eyes): I don't have that RIGHT.

ps Just realised the slice of pizza I ended up with was in fact more than 7 euros. Bloody Hell.

weighing vegetables

Me: smiles, puts a bag of loose vegetables on the scales and places the other bags alongside to be weighed next
Shop assistant: presses button for price sticker then sits motionless
Me: looks blankly at  her
Shop assistant: looks back
Me: looks round a bit wildly then twigs; puts the sticker on the bag, removes the bag and puts the next one on
Shop assistant: smiles in a satisfied way, presses button for price sticker...etc etc