Plant the evidence, Sherlock..

 Confused Parent: What about a lemon tree?

Me (giggling uncontrollably):...Dear Watson....!!!!

The A**e Of The Bag

Me (whining):...and so I have sent five emails now, and still no reply, and I have rung the office every day for a week but it just keeps being diverted to voicemail, even when it's not lunchtime, and then I finally got through by choosing an option I didn't want and the woman shouted at me so I shouted back...and then it was Bastille Day so no hope of any response at all for at least five days...I can't go on..it's too much...
Kik (not looking up from phone): Well, now you know where the "cul-de-sac" came from..

Queen Free

HRH Confused Parent (pleased): Marks and Spencer have sent me a free cosmetic gift set.
Me (polite interest): Oh, right. Why is that?
HRH CP (snooty): Because I have a royalty card.

It's a song and it's just wrong

TC (musing): I hate it when people just casually drop song titles into the conversation.
Me (not really listening): Do you?
TC (glinting): Yes! It makes me want to SHOUT!

The bag of dogs

TC: I can't finish my croque monsieur. Can we have a sac-de-chiens?
Waitress (laughing openly): Zat is not what we call eet in France.
TC: How do you say doggy bag in French, then?
W (with amused irony): Le doggee-bag.
TC: Aha! Mercredi beaucoup!

Slug it out (revenge post)

(Idly watching cowboy film on TV)


Ernest Borgnine (grim): Son, A'hm-a gonna have to git that there slug outta your leg, afore it kills ya...


Confused Me (dozy): Slug? A slug?* What on earth is a cowboy doing with a slug in his leg? I wouldn't have said it was life-threatening, really, either. Bit slimy, maybe, but not fatal. Honestly.


Knowledgeable Parent (withering): Slug is another word for bullet, pet.




(NB This post has been produced under duress. Knowledgeable Parent (more commonly known as Confused Parent) has insisted I do it and is in fact standing over me and breathing down my neck as I type. As they say, freedom of speech is one of the first things to suffer under a totalitarian regime.....)




*une limace

In a stew

Confused Parent: Well, it's a major airport, so they must have a wireless hotpot.




(Note to non-northern, non-English people: hotpot means casserole/marmite like boeuf bourgignon, but we make them out of turnips and old socks.)

Moonstruck

Confused Parent (over breakfast): You know there was a Supermoon last night?
Me (reading paper): hhhmmm
CP: Well, you can still see it. There is an enormous half-moon over there in the sky, it's really bright.
Me (squinting): Where? I can't see it.
CP (points): There! Over the top of that hill.
Me (gets up, peers through window): Do you mean those clouds? They are a bit pinky.
CP (irritated, points): NO! Its a great big luminous white half-circle! Right THERE! LOOK!
Me (panicking, thinks): Bloody hell, my eyes really are bad. I can't see a thing. Or maybe it's my brain? It could be a tumour. Oh God...Oh God...making doctor's appointment for 9am tomorrow..this is it now..the end..
CP: Oh, hang on a minute. It's the reflection from the kitchen light. You can only see it from where I am sitting. (Blithely) Silly me!

Buttered Up

(She has gone home now so am safe to post this one)

Confused Parent (licking fingers): That was a lovely bit of battenberg. Ooh, I have just remembered, "Last Tango in Paris" is on BBC1 tonight. We can watch that.

Me (spluttering cake crumbs): Don't you mean "Last Tango in Halifax"? The one with Judi Dench and Derek Jacobi?

CP (blithely): Oh yes, sorry.

Lost property

Me(excited yipping): I found my phone! I found it!
Evil, evil relative: Where was it? Down your cleavage?

Best intentions

Me: Can I help you with anything? Shall I do some re-potting?
Evil Relative: No. It's a very delicate job.

Do you have the time?

Random relative: I am going to Mr Singh's for some compost.
Me (reclining on blanket on lawn): Oh, can you get a battery for my watch? It is upstairs and my purse is in the kitchen. I have needed a new one for AGES now. I wear it to remind me, but then I forget anyway. Mr Singh will put it in for you.
RR (sighs): I suppose so.

An HOUR later....RR (storming into garden): SO. Mr. Singh takes ages to get the back off your flipping watch, there is a big queue of people behind me, I let a little girl go in front and pay for her bag of rabbit food she had been waiting so long, then Mr Singh tells me it is AUTOMATIC after all, you dozy MOO! (chucks watch at me)
Me (cringeing and cowering) It was a WIND-UP, ha ha? No?

Fruits of the Forest

Mad Auntie(typing furiously on handset): This is great, I can talk to everyone at the same time, you should get one of these Bramble things.
Me: Do you mean Blackberry?