Coffee cream

First thing in the morning, yawning in the bathroom, I plunge my freshly-showered hand into the cup of hot coffee I have just poured instead of the open pot of body cream on the washtand next to it. Ow.

Plopsaland

(At party)
Me: So, where did you say you were from, then?
Suave Belgian: Knokke, it's a tiny place on the coast.
Me: Yeah, I know it, actually. We often came on holiday to the Belgian coast when I was a child. Knokke, Oostduinkerke, De Panne, Koksijde. Isn't that where Belgium's biggest sand-dune is?
SB: Bloody hell (Flemish equivalent of), the Hoge Blekker. I can't believe you have heard of it.
Me: Mate, I tried to climb it with my cousins, but it was too big. We were much smaller at the time, though.
And Meli Park! Is it still open?
SB (stunned): Yes! But its now called Plopsaland. And the bees have gone.

Ex-ter-min-ation

- is what a Dalek says in French. I know because I have just heard one.

Almost an armful - more, in fact.

Imagine my surprise* when, worn out after a long day at work, I scramble** up the steps of the antiquated tram home, grasping the nearest pole to steady myself amid the rush-hour surge, only to realise I have in fact grabbed hold of the tanned and muscly forearm of a nice young man sitting down and resting his chin on his hand.




*shock, swiftly followed by horrified embarrassment, slowly followed by growing interest
**crawl

No freakin' Ikea

(Looking doubtfully at a pile of parts for an elderly, flat-pack chest of drawers)

Sardine: Are there any instructions for this, or is it just freestyle?

Mercury rising..maybe not

Suave Frenchy: Do you want to hear a joke?
Me: Always.
SF: In France this summer, the only way you are going to see a thermometer showing at least 37 degrees is by sticking it up your a**e.

On the tiles

(In le petit coin/the smallest corner)

French tiler: What do you do when you are on the toilet?
Me (thinks: God, the French can be so direct at times): um, er, well...you know, same as everyone...er (shuffles feet, looks at floor, embarrassed)
FT: no, no, NO. Not THAT. I mean you look at the FLOOR. That is why tiling the toilet floor is an exacting job, because people stare at it a lot.
Me (faintly): Oh, I see.
FT: I know what people do on the toilet. I don't need to ask, you know. Oh là, là.

La Dame de Fer

Suave Frenchy (placing his hand on my arm and looking deeply into my eyes in what I can only imagine is an attempt at empathy): Hay am really sorree about Ze Hi-ron Laydee-uh.

Milk-shakey

In the kitchen, calmly unpacking the shopping, I have just put the carton of milk beside the tap and the washing-up liquid in the fridge.

My question is, why do I never do this in any useful way? Eg putting the 48-page article about the structural implications of the decline of liberal internationalism in the fridge and the large box of Magnum ice lollies next to me on the sofa? Why?

Tooth or consequences

French Dentist: You will need to be careful with your diet for a few days, so steamed asparagus, poached fish or grilled chicken instead of red meat.
Me (painfully):ok.
FD: And as for the aperitif, no red wine, only white wine or champagne.
Me (wincing): Not applicable, to be honest. What about Coca-cola?
FD: No. And no coffee either. You can have the occasional tea, but only through a straw.
Me (thinks ruefully): You would never get a foody talking-to like this in the UK.

Something fishy

\(On metro)

Small person (pipes up): What is this station called?
Mother: Sans Souci.
SP: Sans Sushi?

Meek Shagger

(just heard this on French radio)

Presenter: So, you and Davvid Cammerron, you are a beet like Kees Reechar and Meek Shagger, no?
Boris Johnson: No. We are more like Wallace and Gromeet.

Boots on the ground

(struggling through a very snowy Brussels on way to conference)

Fellow journalist (Spanish): Holy communion wafers! Last time I wore these boots, I was covering the war in Bosnia!

Infidelity card

(queuing at till in hypermarket)

Lady behind till: Do you have a fidelity card?
Man in front of me: No.
Me (chirps up, despite knowing that remaining silent is always the best option): I have! (waves card)
LBT (laughing): No, sorry, it has to be him.
MIFOM: I am afraid I am completely infidele (gently places hand on top of mine on belt and looks soulfully into my eyes)..but only when it comes to shopping, that is....



(Translation note: Fidelity card means store loyalty card in the UK)

An exceptional convoy

A big crane blocks the street

To move relatively small bits of concrete

Beanstalk

Old age is not the end of the road!

Might ask if they do removals.

m
D

Laos talk costs lives

Me (polite): Where are you from, then?
Neighbour: Laos.
Me (thick): Oh, that's nice. What country is that in, then?
Neighbour: It IS a country.

Peninsula War

The Big Basque(reflective): Anyway, you have some very good-looking women in your royal family these days.
Me(gossipy): Well, I don't think you are the first Spaniard to think so. Apparently....I'm not one to gossip, but...King Juan Carlos...years ago...Princess Diana...I am sure it is absolutely not true at all but that's what they say.....
TBB(intrigued): NO! Really?
Me: Let's have a look (quick internet search). There you go.
TBB(looks, astounded, impressed,): Consecrated hosts!* If that's true, you can have Gibraltar!




*"Hostias", the Spanish equivalent of "bloody hell", I suppose. A Bad Word, in any case.

Daddy's home.....

Stray (on phone): Yeah, no, it's been great, mate. We went to the Grand Palais, they have this exhibition on about Dennis Hopper..
Me (lounging, struggling to speak as mouth stuffed with Jelly Babies from M&S on Champs Elysees): Edward Hopper. It was Edward.

rouler une galoche

Can't believe I have just learned this phrase from the little old lady sitting next to me in the hairdresser's.

They may look small, frail and vulnerable but they are minxes, make no mistake.

(It is too rude to get past the Rosbiff censors, so you will have to look it up. Try Wordreference.)

Queen's Pork Rodents

Heard on the football round-up on France Inter just now: "....ze next match weel be against ze Landan clurb Queens Porc Rongeurs".

This prompted me to consider other possible football team howlers. Kidderminster Arrieres was the best I could come up with. Also Glasgow Rongeurs, although obviously I wouldn't say that to their faces, no.

Piles of fun

Me (chewing pen top thoughtfully): I don't have hemorrhoids.
French Banker: What?
Me (pointing at form): It asks here "Have you ever had hospital treatment for hemorrhoids? Or a nose job?"
FB (reading form upside down from across the desk): No,no, it means have you ever been in hospital apart from hemorrhoids or a nose job.
Me (giggling): I did wonder what that had to do with anything.
FB (tries and fails to pull disapproving Paddington Stare): You shouldn't mock, Rosbiff. It is a very painful condition.