It's a song and it's just wrong

TC (musing): I hate it when people just casually drop song titles into the conversation.
Me (not really listening): Do you?
TC (glinting): Yes! It makes me want to SHOUT!

Fish wish

TC (muffled curse): Oh, bloody hell...the fish has jumped out of the tank (drops to knees and starts groping under armchair)
Me: Can you get it?
TC (chucks shocked fish back into tank): There you go. Panic over.
Me (dreamy): Its like Finding Nemo...he was trying to go home...
TC: Yeah, all the way to Shirley Aquatics.

Nuts and Cracks

Snack Attack #2

Not one for the Anglo-Saxon market, perhaps.

#onlyinFrance

Snack Attack

When snacks go bad.

The first in an occasional series.

First up - "Chav-flavour" crisps.

#onlyinFrance

Swiss droll

Swiss Passport Official (humourless): Do you have a dog at home?
Me (surprised, confused): What? Er, no, no dog...(rabbits)...well, sometimes, but not always and not for a while now (surreptitiously tries to check for hairs)...why?
SPO (withering, hands passport back over counter): Well, something has been chewing your passport. Look at these teethmarks.

Deer me

Me (mock serious): What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Stavros (confused): Erm...I don't know...a blind fish?
Me (gleeful): No! A FSH! FSSSSSHHHH!

...later....

Me and Stavros (giggling): What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Stavroula (resigned): No idea.
Me and Stavros (hysterical giggling): No! That is a DEER with no eyes!....alright then, so what do you call a DEER with NO EYES and NO LEGS?
Stavroula (disdainful): What the f**k kind of deer is that?

The bag of dogs

TC: I can't finish my croque monsieur. Can we have a sac-de-chiens?
Waitress (laughing openly): Zat is not what we call eet in France.
TC: How do you say doggy bag in French, then?
W (with amused irony): Le doggee-bag.
TC: Aha! Mercredi beaucoup!

We'll have nun of that

In some forgotten corner of a far-flung newsroom.....

Colleague: Have you got anything to munch?

Me (scrabbling in bag): Believe it or not, there's a Tunnocks teacake in here somewhere (whips it out with a flourish) Here it is!

Colleague (eyes gleaming): Where did you get that from?

Me: I stole it from a nun. Fact.

Second star to the right then straight on until morning

Me (pondering): If I was a character in Peter Pan, which character do you think I would be?
Confused Parent (glint in eye): Nana the Dog. Soft and cuddly but with a bite.

The Chocolate Fireman

Me (in kitchen, hattered, blathering) :…so there I was in the middle of baking when the bell went, I ran to the front door and yanked it open, thinking it was you, but instead it was a fireman in full uniform, looking a bit stunned I have to say, I mean, how often does something like that just knock on your front door, anyway, I bought a calendar from him (I was so flustered I gave him five euros, it wasn't cheap and it is a bit rubbish to be honest, just pictures of them fully-clothed, spraying water on chemicals, honestly, they really need to work on their PR) and I gave him my phone number as he has very kindly offered to come back on his day off and help me install my fire alarms..imagine..

Chief Stray (bemused/resigned) : What's that brown smear across your chin?

Me (running to mirror, horrified) : Oh God. It's chocolate from the cake mix (panics) OhGodOhGod - do you think he noticed?