Deer me

Me (mock serious): What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Stavros (confused): Erm...I don't know...a blind fish?
Me (gleeful): No! A FSH! FSSSSSHHHH!

...later....

Me and Stavros (giggling): What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Stavroula (resigned): No idea.
Me and Stavros (hysterical giggling): No! That is a DEER with no eyes!....alright then, so what do you call a DEER with NO EYES and NO LEGS?
Stavroula (disdainful): What the f**k kind of deer is that?

The bag of dogs

TC: I can't finish my croque monsieur. Can we have a sac-de-chiens?
Waitress (laughing openly): Zat is not what we call eet in France.
TC: How do you say doggy bag in French, then?
W (with amused irony): Le doggee-bag.
TC: Aha! Mercredi beaucoup!

We'll have nun of that

In some forgotten corner of a far-flung newsroom.....

Colleague: Have you got anything to munch?

Me (scrabbling in bag): Believe it or not, there's a Tunnocks teacake in here somewhere (whips it out with a flourish) Here it is!

Colleague (eyes gleaming): Where did you get that from?

Me: I stole it from a nun. Fact.

Second star to the right then straight on until morning

Me (pondering): If I was a character in Peter Pan, which character do you think I would be?
Confused Parent (glint in eye): Nana the Dog. Soft and cuddly but with a bite.

The Chocolate Fireman

Me (in kitchen, hattered, blathering) :…so there I was in the middle of baking when the bell went, I ran to the front door and yanked it open, thinking it was you, but instead it was a fireman in full uniform, looking a bit stunned I have to say, I mean, how often does something like that just knock on your front door, anyway, I bought a calendar from him (I was so flustered I gave him five euros, it wasn't cheap and it is a bit rubbish to be honest, just pictures of them fully-clothed, spraying water on chemicals, honestly, they really need to work on their PR) and I gave him my phone number as he has very kindly offered to come back on his day off and help me install my fire alarms..imagine..

Chief Stray (bemused/resigned) : What's that brown smear across your chin?

Me (running to mirror, horrified) : Oh God. It's chocolate from the cake mix (panics) OhGodOhGod - do you think he noticed?

Meufs sans Oeufs*

(In car, after loading it with two small boys, school bags, sports kit and shopping)


Yummy Mummy (fiddling with keys in ignition): So it was only when he started drilling that I realised he was doing the wrong tooth!
Me (mouth open, shocked enough to stop applying lip gloss): You are joking! What did you do?
YM (still fiddling, distracted): Well, I tried to tell him but his arm was in my mouth up to the elbow, so I couldn't speak..
(Small squeak from back seat..Mummy, there's a man..)
Me (appalled, waving lip gloss in mid/air): Oh, my God. Nightmare. What happened?
YM (keys finally in ignition, starts car): So eventually I just grabbed his arm and pulled it away, that's when he realised..
Me (outraged): What are they like? They never pay attention to what they are doing, that's the problem over here..

(Passenger seat window):TAPTAPTAP.

French Man (grinning): Here you go, girls (hands over box of 12 eggs). You left these on the roof of the car. We thought we ought to let you know before you drove off (gestures behind himself at entire shop full of Frenchies watching, pointing and clutching their sides with laughter)





*Birds without Eggs

Bun Pun

Confused Parent (she's back!): Do you want your muttin buffered?

Slug it out (revenge post)

(Idly watching cowboy film on TV)


Ernest Borgnine (grim): Son, A'hm-a gonna have to git that there slug outta your leg, afore it kills ya...


Confused Me (dozy): Slug? A slug?* What on earth is a cowboy doing with a slug in his leg? I wouldn't have said it was life-threatening, really, either. Bit slimy, maybe, but not fatal. Honestly.


Knowledgeable Parent (withering): Slug is another word for bullet, pet.




(NB This post has been produced under duress. Knowledgeable Parent (more commonly known as Confused Parent) has insisted I do it and is in fact standing over me and breathing down my neck as I type. As they say, freedom of speech is one of the first things to suffer under a totalitarian regime.....)




*une limace

In a stew

Confused Parent: Well, it's a major airport, so they must have a wireless hotpot.




(Note to non-northern, non-English people: hotpot means casserole/marmite like boeuf bourgignon, but we make them out of turnips and old socks.)

Leaf Encounter

First day of September and look what I have just found outside. 

Winter coming...abort....abort...