Cleavage management

Very brainy person "...to quote Lijphart, Rogowski and Weaver from 1993, empirical studies have shown that there is a strong correlation between the needs of cleavage management in plural societies and the number and importance of non-majoritarian features in their political systems."

Me(worn out after four hours in library and a two hour seminar): I find a good bra works wonders.

Train of thought

(Conversation overheard on 1743 outward journey from London Marylebone to Oxford, a genteel, middle-class service)

"So, tell me, what is your interest in mushrooms?"

(Conversation overheard on 0800 return journey from Birmingham to London Euston, a no-nonsense high speed beast)

"I have had potato waffles, beans and sausages for breakfast every day this week."

Lost property

Me(excited yipping): I found my phone! I found it!
Evil, evil relative: Where was it? Down your cleavage?

Show me your papers

Me(squinting while counting out money on Post Office counter): You might want to check that, I am sure there are euros mixed up in it.
Post Office Lady(loudly and slowly): Don't worry, love, you'll soon get used to the money over here.

Je me suis fait tapee par un THON

Imagine my surprise when I opened my mouth at the fish counter in Tesco to ask for two tuna steaks...and FRENCH came out.

Making the breast of it

In the interests of harmonious social relations, I have avoided posting the numerous ignorant, insensitive and the (thankfully rare) downright malicious questions, comments and observations following the accident two years ago. But as life moves onwards and upwards, here is my all-time favourite for your enjoyment:

(Three days after my return from 7 months of sick leave that included a week in a coma, paralysis, two months in a neurological rehabilitation unit and severe post-traumatic shock)

Female person (scowling): You`ve lost WEIGHT...(grips my upper arm painfully and leans in to hiss resentfully in my ear)..but you haven`t lost your BREASTS!!!!


ps I would like to point out that the supportive, understanding and humane reactions I have had far outweighed the horrible ones. You should all be very proud of yourselves. Big kiss.

Four-letter word

(personal email from institute of higher education)

.....and your intranet password is:    *** SHaG

Bog Standard

Me (coming out of toilet cubicle in Carrefour): Oh God, they have put URINALS in the WOMENS` loo here, urgh, this country can be so uncivilised sometimes (goes to wash hands) urgh urgh water and soggy paper towels everywhere and NO SOAP LEFT for god`s sake...(realisation slowly dawns)..oh god..oh god...I think I am in the wrong toilets.......and I SAT DOWN as well...(scuttles out sharpish)

What did you say?

Piggy: ...so put zat on your pipe and smoke eet!
Me: Have you been downloading Downton Abbey again?