The Chocolate Fireman

Me (in kitchen, hattered, blathering) :…so there I was in the middle of baking when the bell went, I ran to the front door and yanked it open, thinking it was you, but instead it was a fireman in full uniform, looking a bit stunned I have to say, I mean, how often does something like that just knock on your front door, anyway, I bought a calendar from him (I was so flustered I gave him five euros, it wasn't cheap and it is a bit rubbish to be honest, just pictures of them fully-clothed, spraying water on chemicals, honestly, they really need to work on their PR) and I gave him my phone number as he has very kindly offered to come back on his day off and help me install my fire alarms..imagine..

Chief Stray (bemused/resigned) : What's that brown smear across your chin?

Me (running to mirror, horrified) : Oh God. It's chocolate from the cake mix (panics) OhGodOhGod - do you think he noticed?

Meufs sans Oeufs*

(In car, after loading it with two small boys, school bags, sports kit and shopping)


Yummy Mummy (fiddling with keys in ignition): So it was only when he started drilling that I realised he was doing the wrong tooth!
Me (mouth open, shocked enough to stop applying lip gloss): You are joking! What did you do?
YM (still fiddling, distracted): Well, I tried to tell him but his arm was in my mouth up to the elbow, so I couldn't speak..
(Small squeak from back seat..Mummy, there's a man..)
Me (appalled, waving lip gloss in mid/air): Oh, my God. Nightmare. What happened?
YM (keys finally in ignition, starts car): So eventually I just grabbed his arm and pulled it away, that's when he realised..
Me (outraged): What are they like? They never pay attention to what they are doing, that's the problem over here..

(Passenger seat window):TAPTAPTAP.

French Man (grinning): Here you go, girls (hands over box of 12 eggs). You left these on the roof of the car. We thought we ought to let you know before you drove off (gestures behind himself at entire shop full of Frenchies watching, pointing and clutching their sides with laughter)





*Birds without Eggs

Bun Pun

Confused Parent (she's back!): Do you want your muttin buffered?

Slug it out (revenge post)

(Idly watching cowboy film on TV)


Ernest Borgnine (grim): Son, A'hm-a gonna have to git that there slug outta your leg, afore it kills ya...


Confused Me (dozy): Slug? A slug?* What on earth is a cowboy doing with a slug in his leg? I wouldn't have said it was life-threatening, really, either. Bit slimy, maybe, but not fatal. Honestly.


Knowledgeable Parent (withering): Slug is another word for bullet, pet.




(NB This post has been produced under duress. Knowledgeable Parent (more commonly known as Confused Parent) has insisted I do it and is in fact standing over me and breathing down my neck as I type. As they say, freedom of speech is one of the first things to suffer under a totalitarian regime.....)




*une limace

In a stew

Confused Parent: Well, it's a major airport, so they must have a wireless hotpot.




(Note to non-northern, non-English people: hotpot means casserole/marmite like boeuf bourgignon, but we make them out of turnips and old socks.)

Leaf Encounter

First day of September and look what I have just found outside. 

Winter coming...abort....abort...

Dog Days

(At the dog playground)

Frenchy (manfully restraining a swashbuckling, moustache-twirling King Charles Spaniel): That's a bitch, isn't it? And it looks like she is on heat.
Me (wearily wearing a squealing, squirming Jack Russell as a hat): What makes you say that?

Moonstruck

Confused Parent (over breakfast): You know there was a Supermoon last night?
Me (reading paper): hhhmmm
CP: Well, you can still see it. There is an enormous half-moon over there in the sky, it's really bright.
Me (squinting): Where? I can't see it.
CP (points): There! Over the top of that hill.
Me (gets up, peers through window): Do you mean those clouds? They are a bit pinky.
CP (irritated, points): NO! Its a great big luminous white half-circle! Right THERE! LOOK!
Me (panicking, thinks): Bloody hell, my eyes really are bad. I can't see a thing. Or maybe it's my brain? It could be a tumour. Oh God...Oh God...making doctor's appointment for 9am tomorrow..this is it now..the end..
CP: Oh, hang on a minute. It's the reflection from the kitchen light. You can only see it from where I am sitting. (Blithely) Silly me!

What cat? Where?

Cat (thinks): You ain't seen me, right? I am in fact merely a branch of this tree. Come on, birdies, come on down. Nothing to be scared of.....

Vegetables that look like politicians no.2

Following the phenomenal success of the De Gaulle Tomato (see Facebook posting of March 2010), today, with just a few weeks to go until the 2014 European Elections, Rosbiff is pleased to bring you the second in the series "Vegetables that look like politicians"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, for your all big pleasure (as they say in France) ...................................................the Winston Churchill Potato

Victory!