The Whipper-in

Removals man (sly smirk): What's this? (brandishes my dressage whip, flexes it and then starts smacking his colleague on the bottom, accompanied by pantomime yelps)
Me (failing dismally to bestow a Paddington Stare due to laughing): Oh, for God's sake (raises eyes heavenwards) Give me strength, Lord..

At the Tax Hotel

Me: Hello
(Severe-looking lady of a certain age, with a beehive hairdo and pince-nez eventually raises her artfully made-up eyes to mine and lifts her eyebrows slightly in inquiry)
Me (trembling, opts for best ploy): Hay dernt kner eef you haff noteees, bert hay am nert Frenssssh..
Pince-Nez (looks over her glasses, eyes twinkling discreetly): We all have our faults. How can I help you?

Shop talk

Me: Hey, I learned something really surprising today. Guess what is the world's oldest democracy?
Distracted parent: No idea.
Me (persevering): Ok, here's a clue. It has the same name as a high street food shop.
DP: Waitrose?




(In the interests of impartiality, accuracy, fairness, diversity and other editorial guidelines blahblahblah DP would like me to point out that she was, of course, joking.The answer, as I am sure many already know, is Iceland)

The Pearl Necklace

Me (stroking the furry, silky head of the small dog with bulbous goldfish eyes in the seat next to me in the train): You are lovely.
SDWBGE (from the depths of the handbag it is sitting in, wearing a ten-strand pearl choker, I know because I counted them): Yip (although was Frog dog so actually said "yeep")

What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?

Me (stroking smelly, dribbling pet while watching Henry IV Part I on TV): If the cat was a character in a Shakespeare play, who would he be, I wonder?
Resigned Parent: Bottom.

Knee bother

Pontius Pilates: NO! Knees APART! TOES together! No, not like THAT! God, you must be a rubbish date.

Raiders of the Lost Bra

(de-cluttering in garage)

Disapproving Parent: Ahem. What is THIS? (dangles black, Calvin Klein silk bra, COVERED in cobwebs, from one finger)
Me (nose buried in yellowed copy of the Radio Times from May 30th, 1968): Oh, fantastic! I have been wondering where that was.
DP: It was in one of the boxes marked 2005.

Keep taking the tablets

(In pyjamas, with headache threatening, I swallow a couple of paracetomol)

Travel Bunny (scathingly): Is that your HRT?

Trolley Dolly

Flight attendant (standing at the front of the cabin, wearing pink, oversized, heart-shaped, Elton John-style sunglasses with sequins): Ok, riff-raff. We have now begun our descent, so please put your tables back up, fasten your seatbelts and make sure your shoes match your outfit. We do have baby-change facilities on board, so make sure you are happy with your choice before disembarking. Oh, and anyone who wants scratchcards, catch me as I mince down the cabin. Ta-ra!"

Where is my umbrella?

...asks a poster in the metro advertising a school offering English tuition for professionals. Culturally specific, obviously.

Wonder what an equivalent poster on the Tube would say in French?

C'est a quelle heure, le dejeuner*, perhaps?




* What time is lunch?