What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?

Me (stroking smelly, dribbling pet while watching Henry IV Part I on TV): If the cat was a character in a Shakespeare play, who would he be, I wonder?
Resigned Parent: Bottom.

Knee bother

Pontius Pilates: NO! Knees APART! TOES together! No, not like THAT! God, you must be a rubbish date.

Raiders of the Lost Bra

(de-cluttering in garage)

Disapproving Parent: Ahem. What is THIS? (dangles black, Calvin Klein silk bra, COVERED in cobwebs, from one finger)
Me (nose buried in yellowed copy of the Radio Times from May 30th, 1968): Oh, fantastic! I have been wondering where that was.
DP: It was in one of the boxes marked 2005.

Keep taking the tablets

(In pyjamas, with headache threatening, I swallow a couple of paracetomol)

Travel Bunny (scathingly): Is that your HRT?

Trolley Dolly

Flight attendant (standing at the front of the cabin, wearing pink, oversized, heart-shaped, Elton John-style sunglasses with sequins): Ok, riff-raff. We have now begun our descent, so please put your tables back up, fasten your seatbelts and make sure your shoes match your outfit. We do have baby-change facilities on board, so make sure you are happy with your choice before disembarking. Oh, and anyone who wants scratchcards, catch me as I mince down the cabin. Ta-ra!"

Where is my umbrella?

...asks a poster in the metro advertising a school offering English tuition for professionals. Culturally specific, obviously.

Wonder what an equivalent poster on the Tube would say in French?

C'est a quelle heure, le dejeuner*, perhaps?




* What time is lunch?

Guns, butter, anarchy...

The sound of gunfire and hovering helicopters from the nearby military garrison is providing much-needed motivation for my revision ahead of tomorrow morning's exam in the theories of international relations.
Thank you, boys.

Don't tell him, Pike! (French election special)

Heard this morning on Today, BBC Radio Four:

Jacques Attali: There is no currency without a state. And the euro is a currency - so, if you follow the logical progression...a state will follow.
Presenter Evan Davis (in a very British tone of polite disapproval): And have you mentioned this to the Germans?

You AR missing something

Notice on the back of the door in a toilet cubicle in the gym:

Ladies, please use the bin provided to dispose of your sanity products.

It's wi-fi, not sci-fi.

Me: So, is there a code for your wifi, then?
Travel Bunny: Yes. BFFGUBB1.
Me (typing myopically with one finger): No, that hasn't worked. Did you say B or V?
TB: Oh, for God's sake. B****r, F**k, F**k, Greggs, Uniform, B*****s, Blyth, 1.
Me (giggling): That's it. Hooray!
TB: It's the Geordie phonetic alphabet, pet.