Mademoiselle Malaprop

Colleague: So are you 100% now, then?
Me: More or less. I still have double vision when I look down. Scairs are a bit starey. Oh, for God's sake.

Sardine maths!

In the cantine...

Just-married Frenchie:..and then we had a few days in Cassis, because the French government gives you a week off when you get married...
Me: Bloody hell, really?
Sardine: hhhmmm....(assumes crafty expression and starts scribbling furiously on till receipt)
Me and JMF:what on earth are you doing?
Sardine: My sums. If I take all my holidays, then include Bank Holidays, National Days and time in lieu, get married, have a baby, move house, and chuck just a couple of sickies, I reckon in France I can have the WHOLE YEAR OFF. Result!

Pay attention, 007..

Me: How did you know the sweets on your desk were from me?
Another Sardine(munching): Easy. When I logged on, it said you were the last to use the computer. Muppet.
Me(miffed):..I'll have you know, I could EASILY be a spy......I COULD, you know....
AS(laughing):Yeah. But not for very long.

Guest post!

French man fixing the kitchen boiler: Are you botanique? (trans: you have lot of plants in here, are you a gardener?)
Laney (bobbing around nervously):...er..well....yes.....er....I think it really adds something.....it's better like that, you know....(skips nimbly off into the next room, not knowing what else to say and a bit awkward)
FMFTB:..........? (bemused and slightly alarmed, fixes boiler as fast as possible and then scarpers)


Turns out the FMFTB had actually asked Laney if he was BRITANNIQUE.

Singeing the King of Spain's goatee....

(up a mountain, looking down from a chairlift)

Me: You know, if you ask me, the Spanish just look wrong in the snow. It's not their natural environment.
Spaniard: Yeah. Like the British on the beach.

Atomic Smitten

Very Intelligent Russian(out of the blue): Who is Kerry Katona?
Me(shocked): What?
VIR: She is all over this week's OK magazine...look...

Who are you calling random?

Airport security person: Step this way please, I need to search you.
Me(whining): But I have taken everything metal off..belt...jewellery...everything..
ASP(placatory): Don't worry, sometimes the machine just picks random people.
Me: Oh, I see. It's obviously working fine today, then.

Foot Fingers

Piggy: Do you like this nail polish? I think it will look great in the summer on my foot-fingers.
Me: I think you mean TOES.

What's in a name?

Suave Frenchy: I went peeper
Me: What?
SF(insistent): Peeper. I went peeper.
Me(nonplussed): No, sorry darling, no idea what you are on about.
SF(irate): PEEPER. Zee seester off Ket Meedeltonn! She ees gowjoos.

Muzzle needed

I managed to bite the orthodontist this morning. He let out a yelp of pain, but I experienced a strange feeling of satisfaction....