Friday, 10 October 2014
Thursday, 18 September 2014
Slug it out (revenge post)
(Idly watching cowboy film on TV)
Ernest Borgnine (grim): Son, A'hm-a gonna have to git that there slug outta your leg, afore it kills ya...
Confused Me (dozy): Slug? A slug?* What on earth is a cowboy doing with a slug in his leg? I wouldn't have said it was life-threatening, really, either. Bit slimy, maybe, but not fatal. Honestly.
Knowledgeable Parent (withering): Slug is another word for bullet, pet.
(NB This post has been produced under duress. Knowledgeable Parent (more commonly known as Confused Parent) has insisted I do it and is in fact standing over me and breathing down my neck as I type. As they say, freedom of speech is one of the first things to suffer under a totalitarian regime.....)
*une limace
Thursday, 11 September 2014
In a stew
Confused Parent: Well, it's a major airport, so they must have a wireless hotpot.
(Note to non-northern, non-English people: hotpot means casserole/marmite like boeuf bourgignon, but we make them out of turnips and old socks.)
Monday, 1 September 2014
Monday, 25 August 2014
Dog Days
(At the dog playground)
Frenchy (manfully restraining a swashbuckling, moustache-twirling King Charles Spaniel): That's a bitch, isn't it? And it looks like she is on heat.
Me (wearily wearing a squealing, squirming Jack Russell as a hat): What makes you say that?
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Moonstruck
Confused Parent (over breakfast): You know there was a Supermoon last night?
Me (reading paper): hhhmmm
CP: Well, you can still see it. There is an enormous half-moon over there in the sky, it's really bright.
Me (squinting): Where? I can't see it.
CP (points): There! Over the top of that hill.
Me (gets up, peers through window): Do you mean those clouds? They are a bit pinky.
CP (irritated, points): NO! Its a great big luminous white half-circle! Right THERE! LOOK!
Me (panicking, thinks): Bloody hell, my eyes really are bad. I can't see a thing. Or maybe it's my brain? It could be a tumour. Oh God...Oh God...making doctor's appointment for 9am tomorrow..this is it now..the end..
CP: Oh, hang on a minute. It's the reflection from the kitchen light. You can only see it from where I am sitting. (Blithely) Silly me!
Tuesday, 27 May 2014
What cat? Where?
Cat (thinks): You ain't seen me, right? I am in fact merely a branch of this tree. Come on, birdies, come on down. Nothing to be scared of.....
Sunday, 4 May 2014
Vegetables that look like politicians no.2
Following the phenomenal success of the De Gaulle Tomato (see Facebook posting of March 2010), today, with just a few weeks to go until the 2014 European Elections, Rosbiff is pleased to bring you the second in the series "Vegetables that look like politicians"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, for your all big pleasure (as they say in France) ...................................................the Winston Churchill Potato
Victory!
Saturday, 12 April 2014
Thursday, 23 January 2014
Just the ticket
(racing through France on the TGV)
SNCF ticket inspector: Is that your diary?
Me (scribbling furiously ahead of scary meeting): What? No.
SNCF: That's a shame.
Me (looking up again, scrunching up face in irritated, rodent-like grimace): Why?
SNCF: I was going to tell you to put dinner with me in for Friday night (wafts off airily).
Monday, 6 January 2014
Buttered Up
(She has gone home now so am safe to post this one)
Confused Parent (licking fingers): That was a lovely bit of battenberg. Ooh, I have just remembered, "Last Tango in Paris" is on BBC1 tonight. We can watch that.
Me (spluttering cake crumbs): Don't you mean "Last Tango in Halifax"? The one with Judi Dench and Derek Jacobi?
CP (blithely): Oh yes, sorry.
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